Living Alone // learning to love the single life

(July 2018)

Hello, lovely people! It's me, Hannah Marie. Today, I am here to talk about an important topic... SINGLEHOOD & LIVING ALONE.

Yes, I went there.

In case you don't follow me on Twitter (which, if not, you totally should??) earlier this summer, I moved out into the scary world of adulthood. In other words, I have an apartment. Alone. By myself. With no one around.

On top of that, I'm living in a town where I basically know NO ONE. 

Not to be dramatic, but IT'S KINDA DRAMATIC.

However, all of this actually makes me incredibly happy?? I've been longing for a time where I could move to a bigger city where no one knows my name and no one really cares about what I'm doing! And I mean that in the best possible way...

I'm an introvert! I kinda like to be left alone, unless I initiate the conversation. That's the cool thing about being in a bigger city—no one is overly concerned about you just being yourself. (By "bigger" city, I mean I've gone from living in a town with a population of merely 1,800 to a city of with a population of 105,000... Still not a gigantic city by any means, but it's definitely an adjustment.)

I came from living in a little town where everyone knows everyone else & most of these people who all grew up together like to TALK... primarily about football, hunting, fishing, & each another. Which is fine and all. But that's not me. *sweats*

For the most part, I was considered an outsider because I didn't grow up in there, so there were already points placed against me. But on top of that, I even ACTED like an outsider! I dressed differently, I talked differently, I was kinda quirky, I didn't like any of the aforementioned topics of common discussion... I was a hopeless case.

It felt odd and somewhat hurtful constantly feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Even more painful than that was the resigned knowledge that I was the topic of many a whispered discussion as I wandered off to the breakroom at work.

Part of me wondered if I was the one with the problem, and maybe I was just being "too different." I considered ways that I could blend in a little better & make myself less-conspicuous. I even contemplated hiding forever & never emerging from my home again.

Now that I'm not living there anymore, I am so glad I didn't change to suit anyone else. I was not the one with the problem. Being different & being unique & standing out a little isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it can actually be a beautiful thing.

Some people might find not knowing anyone as being lonely. But I personally enjoy it for the most part. It's fun taking myself out to shop, going to my favorite restaurants & ordering whatever I want without shame, and not worrying about asking what other people want to do.

Because of this time, I am learning to love myself in a way I never had before. I'm starting to realize things about myself that I didn't know before. And I'm starting to understand the things I truly want in friendships and even romantic relationships going forward.

I'm looking forward to the beginning of the semester at uni. Who knows what will happen??

(October 2018)

Hello again!

Life is always moving so fast! It's already halfway through the semester & soooo many things have changed. I've made several new friends, met up and then parted ways with a few old friends, and have had an amazing experience so far.

This summer of living alone truly taught me some things that I had no clue I was learning at the time. These things are still in the learning process, of course, but I want to be able to share them with you all because I think these are lessons we all need to learn at some point, whether through living alone or being single for a time.

• I'm less self-conscious about not being "fun enough" when I hang out with people! I used to be one of those people who was always worried that my friends didn't actually want to hang out with me & were just doing it because they felt obligated. That isn't the case anymore. By being alone and discovering that fear in myself, I realized that I personally don't want to waste precious time with people I don't enjoy being around. So why would anyone else do that with me?
• I'm less concerned with what people think of me! In addition to fretting over friendships, I used to worry that people, in general, were constantly judging me for my appearance, hobbies, & thoughts. Turns out, most people either don't care OR they actually like those things, can relate to you, & want to hang out because of it.
• I'm being myself! I used to believe that I had to put on a mask for people because my "real self" was just too... different. But the more I just allow myself to be myself, though, the more I find that people are attracted to that & want to spend time with me. (For instance, I made a friend this week simply because I was wearing a pastel-pink hoodie and matching sneakers & she said I looked like an anime character & we bonded over style and anime??)
• I'm maintaining healthier relationships! Now that I better know myself, it's easier for me to maintain healthy boundaries with others & to know when I need some alone time and when I need to be around other people. I used to lean to one extreme or the other. I'd either spend wayyyy too much time with friends (to the detriment of my grades & mental health) OR I'd lock myself away in my room for days on end & not speak to a soul (also to my own detriment). Now I know how to find balance & how to recognize my own needs, which in turn helps me to be a better friend.
• I'm not as needy... I used to be a little co-dependent. Like, I wouldn't ever go anywhere unless I knew for a fact that someone I knew would be there, waiting for me. I'm not gonna lie, I still struggle with this to a degree. But less so now. At this point in my life, I jump at the chance to go shopping on my own, I love going for a latte by myself, & I am willing to attend events on-campus, even when I'm not sure any of my close friends will be there.
• I'm more active in my community! I used to be afraid of being involved anywhere, for whatever reason. Like, the thought of joining clubs or volunteering on a regular basis made me feel very uncomfortable. Now, I'm actively involved in several ministries at my church, I'm steadily becoming more involved in the English Department at my school, & I'm even more engaged in my classes.
• I actually like being single?? All through high school, I constantly had a crush (fictional or otherwise!) and dreamed of being in a relationship. For whatever reason, dating, being engaged, & marrying someone was my goal to end all goals. Now... not so much? I mean, yes, all of those things sound nice. And I'm sure I'd like all of those things someday. But for right now, I'm enjoying just being myself. I think I was so obsessed with having a romantic relationship growing up because I wanted someone to validate me (hehe, pun!) in a way I didn't know how to validate myself? I thought that another human had to give my life meaning, when in actuality, God is the only other being who give my life meaning. Learning to rely on Him more an more made me realize that if I live the rest of my life with just me & God... I'd still be pretty darn happy.

All this to say... I've learned a lot since moving out. I've learned things about myself, I've learned things about others, & I've even discovered that I truly enjoy being single. (Something I never thought I'd say growing up!)

This post isn't to tell you that you have to move or get an apartment to become a better person. This post is to tell you that pushing yourself out of your comfort zone & pushing your own limits will help you grow. Moving out terrified me at first, but now I know it was a good choice because it helped and is continuing to help me grow.

Try something new this week. Try something a little scary. Maybe you'll learn something along the way.